Written 12/25/19
I learned a few days ago what my heartbeat is supposed to feel like. When I can't feel feel it and I have to find the spot on my chest with hand instead of feeling it through the whole left side of my ribs.
I looked at my left hand just now and typed out "right side." I don't know my left from my right. I mean, I do, but in the moment whichever direction I think of first is left or right or whatever. I kid about getting it tattooed sometimes, an L or R on the corresponding hand so I'll stop confusing them. I'd make up some deep meaning for it so I wouldn't look stupid if people asked me about it. I don't know if it would help all that much.
Anyway, my heartbeat. It's just a pulse, a gentle one. I'm not supposed to be able to feel as much of my circulatory system as I can right now, I think. Maybe it's because I'm anxious and I'm trying not to move. I move my hands to type, and everything else is perfectly still, except I guess my chest to breathe. If I could be a rock, y'know? No anxiety, no left or right, no movement. Might be nice.
